The Guard Goes Down

I don’t own an umbrella.

It was absolutely pouring this morning, and since I love rain, I was thrilled.  However, I greatly underestimated just how hard it was raining, because I left the apartment in flip flops, jeans, and a t-shirt.  It’s been so hot these last few days, I assumed I didn’t need a jacket.  I assumed wrong.

As soon as I pulled out of the underground parking, I knew I was in trouble.  It was coming down in sheets.  My wipers were on full blast, and I could barely see.  I touched my frizz-prone hair nervously, praying to get a parking spot near the hospital.  Still, there was no getting around it.  I was going to have to walk in this.

I found an okay spot, fumbled around on the floor of my car until I found a plastic bag, and told myself to go ahead and get it over with.  I stepped outside, holding the bag over my head awkwardly.  It did nothing.  I was drenched in seconds.

I kept losing my flip flops in puddles and having to backtrack for them.  At one point I passed a guy with an umbrella, we made eye contact, and both burst out laughing.  “That bag is really providing minimal coverage,” he said.  Unfortunately he was going in the opposite direction, or I’d have shamelessly begged for umbrella share-age.

I made it to the therapy group with five minutes to spare, drenched head to toe.  Nobody else was.  Apparently, other people plan ahead for this sort of thing.  They look out their windows, they dress accordingly.  But I’m flaky like that, I lack common sense.  Whatever, it didn’t kill me.  I did have to sit for two hours shivering in wet clothes, but aside from that the group went well.

I wasn’t nervous.  Maybe some others were, though, because only 6 people showed up.  Down from 10 last week.  Perhaps they had legitimate reasons, but I suspect anxiety may have played a part.  I know, because it’s something I would do.  But I’m determined to get the most out of this group as possible, so I was there, forcing myself to speak, sharing my homework, and listening intently to the others.

We identified situations that made us anxious in the last week and broke it down into three groups - sensations, thoughts and behaviours.  Then we talked about how those thoughts are distorted, and in what ways.  I think I’m finding it helpful.  It helps me see how irrational I can be.

I had to come straight to work, so although I’m now dry, my hair is a frizzy mess, my makeup is smeared, and I’m completely exhausted.  I can’t wait to get out of here, throw on pyjamas, and watch several hours of mindless tv.  Hello, weekend.

I fucking hate this place.  I’m sick of being taken advantage of because I’m good at my job.  I do twice the work as my peers for the same pay, and I’m sick of it.  But nobody cares.  The management is so fucked up.  They don’t care and they aren’t doing anything about it.  Some people here treat others like shit, and I hate it.  I hate being treated badly for no reason, I always take it personally and it eats away at me.  I just want to walk out that door today and never, ever look back.  I fantasize about it.  I just cannot seem to accept the idea of wasting my life away, rotting behind this desk, completely miserable.  I don’t know how people do it for years and years, and I absolutely must come up with some alternative.  Because I just can’t.

Just blushed like crazy at work.  Had to get up and go hide in the washroom.  Now I feel like shit.  It’s amazing how quickly that can change how I feel.  I went from having a pretty good day, week even, to feeling like a worthless piece of shit.  Oh well, nothing new there…